by Barb Abramson | Jan 7, 2015 |
Have you heard about the guy that wanted a red Ferrari?
Story goes, it represented a symbol of success, of working hard and finally making it in the business world. He could visualize it parked in his driveway, for all the neighbors to drool over and turn green with envy when they drove by.
The red Ferrari would mean he had achieved a status that set him apart from others. It told the world that was not a failure.
He had to have that red Ferrari.
This guy worked hard. He worked days and often worked nights. He worked weekends and holidays, all in pursuit of his goal. He was exhausted, but consumed.
His wife and children rarely saw him. Family time that included Dad was almost non-existent. He was gone before they were awake and often came home after everyone else was in bed.
He was driven. Driven to drive that damn red Ferrari.
Not only would his neighbors be envious, so would his friends. They would all see that red Ferrari in the driveway and they would finally understand why he had worked so hard. His family would know that he did it all for them.
The guy was so tired, but he knew he would never accomplish his goals and his dreams without working as hard as he did. He was stressed, but so determined to drive that sleek red machine that was his symbol of success.
The thing is, his kids didn’t care about the car. All they wanted was their dad to throw the ball with them, to attend their soccer games and school play and to just hang out like their friends’ dads did. His wife didn’t care about the car either. She also was tired of raising the kids alone, of not going out as a couple like they used to, or as a family.
But there weren’t enough hours in the week for those “leisurely” activities. He barely slept, because his mind was always racing with all he had to do. Stress was his middle name.
One day, he found himself in a most unusual situation. His afternoon client cancelled and he had no one else scheduled. His reports were filed and his boss told him to go home.
Imagine his family’s response when he showed up. He played with his kids, ate dinner with his family, laughed and relaxed and had the best night’s sleep in a long time. The next day, he awoke rested, another feeling he had forgotten about.
He was so refreshed he discovered how much work he got done the following day. With a clear head, his focus was on point and he was amazed at how much he had accomplished.
The following week, he purposely scheduled an afternoon off and enjoyed more family time and again, was incredibly focused and productive at work. By the following week, he added a day on the weekend. He discovered his productivity at work increased 25% although he was working less. His family life increased even more.
In time, the guy made an important discovery. As he learned to take time for himself and his family, his ability to balance his life enabled him to achieve more – more money, more success, more quality family time, more rest, more focus and most important – he could finally afford that red Ferrari.
And suddenly, he didn’t want it any more!
Here are 3 things this guy wants you to know about life and work balance!
Success Isn’t a Thing
You will never feel fulfilled if you gauge your success by an object – the fanciest car or the biggest house. Yes, they represent wealth, but not necessarily success.
Giving Up Family For Business is a Lose/Lose Situation
You will never get back the time you could have spent with people that you love. Or have time to develop a relationship. You lose and they lose
Without Balance in Your Life, Your Health Will Suffer
The stress will never be worth it –a never have enough syndrome creates stress that can affect not only your sleep but your quality of life.
Having things does not equate to having a life. Money will purchase objects, but it won’t purchase the feeling of being fulfilled. That comes from within and from having others to share our lives with and create memories with. You can’t recreate what you miss out on.
Photo: Flickr
Previously published on TheGoodMenProject.com
by Barb Abramson | Dec 30, 2014
Several years ago, after coming to the painful realization that they could not take care of themselves any longer, I moved my parents to an assisted living facility.
I did my best to keep them in their home, hiring caregivers to come by daily for a few hours each day, which was all I could afford. I began cooking their meals and helping out as much as I could, grateful I already had power of attorney for both of them so I could pay their bills and handle other details of their lives. It was exhausting, even with help. Their expenses were greater than their income from pensions and social security. Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Mom had diabetes, congestive heart failure and was on oxygen. Life as they knew it had to change.
It took some time to adjust to the ALF, but I knew it was where they needed to be. Dad was eventually moved over to memory care as his disease progressed. I learned a lot about memories in the process which helped me to help others who are caring for people who have dementia.
They passed away within three months of each other. Now, nearly four years later, I have begun the process of sorting through all the extra things that ended up at my home after theirs was sold.
Clothes that would not fit in their much-smaller apartment now crowd my closets. Boxes of books and memories I wasn’t ready to explore or let go of still line the inside walls of my garage. The door to my back bedroom is kept closed to hide additional boxes stored there. More of their clothes are strewn on the hide-a-bed couch that used to accommodate guests before my parent’s surplus possessions overtook the comfy cushions
I finally reached the point of being ready to sift through some of the piles. Grief defies all things rational and rendered me unable to deal with the their things. It was painful to go through them, and yet I was grateful to have them.
I started with clothes that were on the couch; Dad’s suits, Mom’s dresses, and some various sweaters, blouses and shirts. Some of them were stained, from hanging in the closet too long, as well as from wear.
Looking at each piece of clothing was a journey down memory lane. A favorite dress of Mom’s, Dad’s wild floral tie I made him in the 7th grade because I am Jewish and didn’t want to make the class Christmas stocking.
Then I noticed the white paper peeking out from an inside pocket on one of Dad’s suit jackets. I pulled it out and unfolded the two pages that were stapled together. In my hands was a printout of Mapquest directions to a church in a neighboring city dated May, 2006. A friend of Dad’s had passed away. He had printed out directions to the funeral. In the pocket on the opposite side was the program from the funeral.
I began checking each item of clothing for hidden treasures. The next suit yielded another surprise. A spoof on a song that I grew up with – My Grandfather’s Clock, turned into My Grandfather’s Kit – written for my son Joel when he was a baby. Dad had put together an assortment of baby products and toys and written a little diddy to go with it. My dad the creative performer! Makes me smile thinking about it.
A man’s suit coat is fun to rummage through — there are so many pockets. Outside ones with flaps and more pockets nestled away on the inside.
As I continued exploring I found a candy wrapper, it’s contents long gone. He used to keep them in his pocket during Shabbat services in case he or mom had a scratchy throat or a cough. Speaking of services, two tickets for the High Holiday (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur) the Jewish Holy Days. They are listed for the year 5767 in the Hebrew calendar, that would be 2006, more than eight years ago. Two finds from 2006. It must have been the last time he wore suits.
Another wrapper. Antacid tablets. I see any kind of antacid tablets today and still think of him. Dad had what he called a nervous stomach. I think it was just heartburn. He had a penchant for foods like garlic and onions.
A silver paper clip attached to a very young picture of one of my cousins. It is dated April, 1958, the year before I was born. Odd this was in his pocket. I wonder why he carried it with him.
A pen with the real estate company he worked for so many years ago printed on it. He sold us our first house and gifted us back his commission. A note in the same pocket (written with the pen?) to remember call the library about a book he had on reserve.
I would have loved to sit with Dad on the couch, chatting about the treasures I found and maybe pulling a story or two from him as we laughed about the paper clip and antacid wrapper. I wonder what the book was that he’d reserved, and if he ever read it.
It may seem silly to some, but for me, every memory I discovered in my father’s pockets made me smile and then miss him all the more.
You may also want to read: How Losing My Father to Alzheimer’s Helped Me Find Joy for Others
Photo: Flickr
Previously published on TheGoodMenProject.com
by Barb Abramson | Dec 4, 2014
I wake up most days alone. Not because I am single. I am in fact married. And not because I sleep in another room. I wake up alone because my workaholic husband has gone to work long before the sun is up.
When he gets home, he says hello to the refrigerator before he greets me. Most likely he didn’t eat breakfast or lunch.
He says has to leave early to prep for the day. On the weekends, he has to prep for the next day or the week. He writes and then rewrites the same notes over and over. Yes, he is a little OCD.
His reasoning runs along the lines that as a business owner, no one will care as much as he does. If he doesn’t make the sacrifices, and work early to late six days per week and sometimes seven, then the business might fail.
What he doesn’t get is that what is failing is his health in more ways than one.
His legs ache and he often wakes up with leg cramps. His back aches and he never quite stands up straight. His mind aches because he doesn’t have an off button. He will talk about work at any given moment he is awake. Sometimes I wonder when the business is finally gone, will we have anything to talk about.
He has a nervous cough that surfaces when he is worried about a job. I always know when he is nearby because of that darn cough. I can hide from him in the grocery store, but he can’t hide from me! He doesn’t go to the doctor unless it is an emergency. That would mean taking time off from the JOB. Eating right is not on his radar either
One night a week he does take a break. It’s his bowling night. I am excited for him because he gets to do something fun. “Good luck and good bowling” I cheer as he drags his tired body out the door.
His bowling friends are all retired. They bowl during the week. Some play tennis too. And go on cruises often. I mean very often. They send me notes on FB and emails asking me to talk to him about taking it easy at work. At least on bowling day. Thanks guys!
How do I get Mr. Workaholic to work a little less? The funny thing is he tried once. He retired his parents and tried to walk away from the business. But eight months later, he opened up again and he was off and running.
The only way he gets a break is if I book us to go somewhere. He protests. He even backs out on occasion. He calls the business everyday, several times a day to talk to the staff. He can’t unhook for long.
The worst part is when he gets back. Actually on the way back. He kicks right back into work mode and is incredibly stressed about catching up. He doesn’t sleep well that first night home and is up reviewing the job, and heading in (of course early) to get started.
My biggest fear is that when he finally does retire, he will be too physically worn down to enjoy the rest of his life. I hear stories all the time about men like him who reach that pinnacle and don’t have a lot of time left. I don’t want to put that out to the Universe – so I try not to let his stress become my stress.
The good news is he doesn’t drink or smoke. His work is physical, so he gets exercise in his own way, but many men who are workaholics with office jobs don’t.
His employees leave their jobs behind when they clock out, but for this entrepreneur who is driven to provide for his family, (put food on the table, mortgage payment, car payment, children’s college tuition, etc). it is slowly but surely wearing him down.
I’m booking a 5-day cruise for us. I know he will be stressed on the way back. But at least he won’t be able to call the business for a few days!
Previously published on Talking About Men’s Health
Photo: Flickr
by Barb Abramson | Nov 16, 2014
I majored in communications in college and worked for 12 years in the media industry until my job was relocated to a different state. And while I was offered the opportunity to move across the country, several factors held me back and they all had to do with family.
My parents and my husband’s parents both lived within 15 minutes of us. Our son had the benefit of growing up with both sets of grandparents nearby. My husband and I had very special relationships with our own grandparents and wanted that for our son. Family closeness both in relationship and proximity was important to us.
Then there was the family business. My husband ‘s parents opened a flooring company in 1953. His father was one of five children who all had at one time, a flooring business. I think it was in their blood. My husband helped his dad during the summers while he was in high school and eventually worked there full time. He had gone to college to be a P.E. teacher, but when his father fell ill, he put his family first.
When we were engaged, his dad sat me down to ask me what my intentions were for the business. After all he stressed, all the spouses of his siblings worked in their stores. “Oh no!” I countered. “I have my own job, my own career.” Not for me. Besides I didn’t know anything about running a business. And I happily went about my career.
When my company relocated, I toyed with consulting for a couple of years. At the same time, my husband wanted to retire his parents and asked for my help. I had showed up at the store now and then over the years and knew a little about flooring. I couldn’t help it. My husband lived and breathed it and he and his parents talked about every job, every day. He would spend the day with them, come home and they would talk on the phone about the next jobs on the schedule.
So when he asked me to help him, I first refused. Then I relented and agreed to one year, which turned into two and then five and suddenly it was nearly 20. I have to admit, I am proud of what I have accomplished with our business as I learned to be an entrepreneur and run a successful “Mom & Pop” shop.
Working with your family can be extremely rewarding. There is a deep sense of accomplishment that you can share with the ones you love. They get you. You get them. There will never be a lack of conversation at the dinner table. You are part of a legacy and never have to worry about the nepotism rule. In fact, you can groom you children right into the family business.
On the flip side, working with your family can be extremely stressful. It can be so much a part of your life that relationships between parents, spouses, children and siblings can suffer. There are days I want to run from the room screaming!
It is really important to find a balance so that the business and the family both win.
Here are the 5 Ways Not To Lose Your Family to the Family Business
Leave It At The Office
Employees are often told to leave their personal lives at home. Family-run business owners should leave their business life at the office. Your friends and other family members who don’t work there may not want to hear “shop talk” every time they are around you. You may also be more obsessed than other family members. Waking up and discussing business first thing can be a turnoff!
Defined Roles At The Office May Not Apply At Home
Are you the President, CEO, Chairman of the Board, Big Dog on Campus? You may be at the top of the food chain at the office, but that doesn’t mean you rule the roost everywhere else. Work and home are both communities that require cooperation and team thinking.
Don’t Pressure The Kids To Go Into The Family Business
Working with family may be your dream, but it may not be your kid’s. They have their own dreams and aspirations and they may not be the same as yours. Understand that the next generation may not be carrying on your legacy.
Have Outside Interests Outside Of Each Other
Can’t get enough of your family and/or spouse/partner. You should. Get involved in events and activities that DON’T include each other. Discover other people and experiences. It will give you more to talk about with each other too!
Don’t Forget To Have A Life
All work and no play is never healthy for anyone. No one will care about your business like you or your family does, but if you don’t have a healthy balance, you will miss out on the great things going on in the world around you.
Originally appeared on GoodMenProject.com
